I don't even know
2009-02-04 :: 12:25 p.m.

I appreciate the note...

I'm not even sure why I posted that here. Not that I threw anything out there, really, just some generals.

Guilty conscience? Probably a bit.

But not guilty enough to stop. Not guilty enough to WANT to stop. Or talk to anybody else about this. Only one other person in the whole world knows. I don't plan on changing that.

It's kind of a shitty deal all around.

I don't have a clue what I'm doing or where I'm going, but it's a crazy ride for sure.

I'd say, "Keep me in your prayers," but gosh... I don't know if I want them. (somewhere inside of me, I want to scream and say, "What are you doing? What is going on? Why are you like this?" but then another side just shrugs her shoulders and moves on.)

Why, when I'm feeling better about myself (have I mentioned I've lost 30 pounds since last year? And I'm on my way to more?) and probably the most self-confident I've been in my life.... does shit like this take over?

I'm just not good at moderation. I've never been good at balance.

If I drink alcohol, I go all out. because it's fun. And I've been drinking a lot more lately. And eating a lot less. And if I start to consider red beer 'dinner' because it has V8, there could be some issues.

For the record, I didn't do it... and honestly, alcohol is the least of my problems now.

Body image is still a struggle and always has been. Like right now. I should eat lunch and then walk to my mother-in-law's to pick up the girls.

But I'm toying with the idea of just drinking some V8 (my mom keeps buying the cans for me, that's why it keeps coming up), or some chocolate soy milk... or maybe even nothing... and just walking over, missing lunch there, and just skipping it.

The less of me there is, the more I seem to find.

Why *do* people see me more when there's less of me? While I revel in the flattery, it does bother me on quite a few levels. Why on earth should I get more attention when there's less of me?!

Or maybe I just draw more attention because I'm so much more comfortable with myself and my appearance that I don't simply hide behind the fat anymore. I'm the person I've always been... I just covered up a lot of things and slunk into the corner because I didn't *want* to be noticed... I didn't *want* people to see what I looked like.

And... I don't want to lock up this darn thing, but I know Mike's on the look-out for my diary. he knows I've been keeping one again (but doesn't realize the one I write in more is completely locked up and nobody else has the password but me). I don't want him to find this.

Especially after this.

I just don't know where I want to go with it all.

And I'm not sure where to dump it all. It's kind of a lot to carry.

I'll give a warning if I'm about to lock. Or send out a username/password to whoever wants it.

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last five:
I don't even know - 2009-02-04
think - 2009-02-03
brr - 2008-10-09
hospital. - 2008-10-06
just a bit - 2008-09-18